Madam, I don’t know what I want!

 

The purpose of this list of questions is to help inexperienced submissives who are having trouble defining and articulating their desires. Your dominant probably doesn’t need to know the answer to every question on the list and you may not even have answers to every question – this is more about you organizing your thoughts so you can effectively communicate with your dominant. 

This is by no means a complete list of everything you might possibly want to consider. Some sections will be entirely irrelevant to you, others will go into less detail than your dominant would actually like. The options I specifically mention here are examples and do not at all describe the full range of options available to you, because otherwise this post would be novel-length. It’s fine if your answer is “none of the above” or “all of these” or “something completely different.” This is a jumping-off point to get you thinking hard about what that something completely different might be.

 

What you’re actually doing is giving your dominant the necessary tools to effectively dominate you. 

The exact same activity can be a completely different experience for different subs. If you’re a masochist with a spanking fetish, a spanking is a treat. If you have low pain tolerance and find spanking humiliating, a spanking is a punishment. If spanking does absolutely nothing for you either way, a spanking is just kind of boring. If I give you a spanking without knowing anything about how you feel about it, I’m not in control of what you’re feeling and I can’t be truly in control of the scene. 

This list is definitely aimed at male submissives contacting female pro-dommes, but it’s adaptable to many different situations and gender configurations. 

Onwards.

On the most basic level, how would you describe your interests? Do you want to be humiliated? Do you want to experience pain? Do you want to experience a sense of helplessness? Do you want to be controlled and/or trained? 

Think about your past experiences, if you’ve had any. What did you like about those experiences? What did you not like? What changes would have made those experiences hotter?

How do you want to feel? Frightened, broken, humiliated, disgusting, hypnotized, controlled, helpless, like a toy, like a slut, like a beloved pet? 

 

In your ideal scene, how do you see your roll? Are you a willing and enthusiastic participant, a victim of a cruel Mistress who forces you to submit against your will, or an initially reluctant player who is eventually seduced into submitting?

If you’re interested in pain, what kind? What intensity? Thuddy or stingy or burny sensations? Any particular part of your body? Any particular tools, or do you prefer hands and feet? Are you a masochist who enjoys pain, or a submissive who enjoys accepting an unpleasant sensation in order to please your dominant? 

If it’s humiliation you’re after, what kind of things do you find humiliating? Do you enjoy being humiliated for your personality and physical characteristics, or by your dominant’s control over you? Does a Mistress laughing at your penis turn you on? What about cuckolding? Feminization? Forced bi? Or are you more oriented towards physical humiliation, like being forced to crawl around and lick the floor? 

If it’s more the idea of being controlled that you find appealing, what type? Are you after physical bondage like ropes, cuffs, mummification and cages? Mental control like hypnosis play and forced intoxication? Being reprogrammed via slave training and taught to follow protocols? 

If feminization appeals to you, are you interested in being humiliated, exploring your gender identity, or just feeling ladylike? What does feminization mean to you? A pair of lacy panties? A full outfit? A full transformation including outfit, makeup, a wig and fake tits? Taking a strap-on in your holes? 

What kind of vibe would you have in your ideal scene? Relaxed and experimental? Extremely strict? Fun and lighthearted? Intense and overwhelming? Sensual and teasing? Meditative and almost religious? Do you see your Mistress as a strict disciplinarian, a bratty humiliatrix, a terrifying angry harpy shrieking insults in your face, a seductress who uses your attraction to her as a tool of control, a divine goddess, a playful fellow kinkster? 

What about your fetishes? What are the biggest “treats” your dominant can bestow upon you or use to tease you? Foot worship? Smothering? Being a human ashtray for your dominant? Do you like the treats presented to you as treats, or as a punishment you must submit to, or as a way for you to please your dominant? 

What are your limits? Is any of the play you’re interested in likely to be emotionally fraught for you? Are you sure you can handle it? Is there anything your dominant can do to make sure you don’t become overwhelmed in a bad, non-sexy way? 

One last thing. It’s common for submissives to come to me saying they don’t have any particular interests, but they would like to do what I would like to do. As a younger domme this drove me up the wall. As a more experienced domme I very much enjoy these submissives, but I am wary of them at first because they are often not genuine. Rather, they are trying to avoid doing the mental work of thinking about their interests and are hoping I will read their mind. In session, they are unresponsive and/or they reject most of what I come up with. That does not make me feel like a dominant goddess! If you’ve thought long and hard about your turn-ons and the main one is “feeling submissive and pleasing my dominant” that’s great, but be prepared to communicate your limits and any lesser turn-ons you may have.

I hope you found this list helpful.